You are about to read my testimony of encountering God as an eleven-year-old child.

This is my story:

It was another Sunday, like many Sundays since I was born. As I sat in the wooden pew beside my grandmother, I watched the bishop step up to the pulpit. He slowly and solemnly began his sermon by telling everyone to turn their Bibles to Romans chapter nine: “I am speaking the truth in Christ—I am not lying; my conscience bears me witness in the Holy Spirit…” His deep voice rumbled as he spoke, so soothing that I laid my head on my grandmother’s large, warm bosom and dozed off into the sweetest sleep. I’m not sure how long the sermon was or how long I was sleeping, but I slowly woke up to the bishop now fervently shouting, “Jesus is coming back! It is only a matter of time. Get your hearts right before it is too late. Hallelujah! Give God all the praise! Give God your heart! And worship Him and Him alone!” Large beads of sweat poured down his face. The praise and worship team began singing slowly and melodically,

♪♪♪ LORD, PREPARE ME
TO BE A SANCTUARY
PURE AND HOLY
TRIED AND TRUE
AND WITH THANKSGIVING
I’LL BE A LIVING
SANCTUARY
FOR YOU  ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ LORD, I’M WILLING
TO BE A SANCTUARY
PURE AND HOLY
TRIED AND TRUE
WITH THANKSGIVING
I’LL BE A LIVING
SANCTUARY
FOR YOU ♪♪♪

And the Holy Spirit moved my eleven year old heart. 

The Moment of Surrender

Adults began standing up and pouring in towards the altar padded with burgundy leather. The bishop began slowing his speech and gently saying, 

“If you haven’t given your heart to Christ, now is the time to surrender your life to God.” The praise and worship team continued singing, “Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary, pure and holy, tried and true…” 

I stood up and squeezed past my grandmother and then past my mother. I found space at the altar and fell to my knees, face down, elbows planted in the burgundy leather. I said in my child-like voice, “God, prepare me to be a sanctuary, pure and holy, tried and true. Lord, let me be Yours. I believe in Jesus and want Him in my heart.” An indescribable feeling flooded over and through my body. Tears began to roll down my cheeks. Then an older woman from the church leadership placed her hand on my back. I looked up. Seeing my tears, she said, “Do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?” I said, “Yes, yes I do.” without hesitation. 

My Baptism and First Challenge

A few weeks later, after going through a few classes with the pastors, I was sure, without a doubt, from the bottom of my heart that I wanted to be baptized. I wanted to make it clear to everyone and to God that I was committed to Jesus. My mom, grandmother, and aunts all supported me in my decision. They hugged me, prayed for me, and told me they loved me. My aunts warned me that as I grew older, my faith would be challenged. Little did I know, my faith in Jesus would be immediately challenged. My father, who wasn’t a Christian, after being told that I was getting baptized and he was invited to watch, said to me, “Are you sure you want to do that?” I said, “Yes, I’m sure.” He replied, “You think you are, but they just brainwashed you.” I felt the sting of his words, but I just dug deeper. In my heart, I knew what I experienced at the altar and I knew what I believed. Although nervous to speak in front of everyone at the church, I gave my testimony and got baptized in the name of the Father God, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Heartbreak and Healing

It was only a few weeks later that my father packed his bags and walked out on our family. He didn’t give any explanation. There were no clear signs that he planned on leaving. He just packed enough clothes to last a week in a single bag, then called my brothers and I to the front door and said, “Guys, I’m leaving. Goodbye.” My mom asked, “When are you coming back?” and he calmly replied, “I’m not coming back,” and walked out the front door, got in his Jetta, and drove away. He left the rest of his belongings behind.

I had gone on a hunger strike, so my mom called him and told him about my refusal to eat. She said, “You need to come and see your kids, and explain yourself to them.” He did come. I was confused. Was he coming back home to stay or just visiting? He took us to McDonald’s. I don’t remember what any of us ordered to eat, but what I do remember is my brother, two years younger than me, asking our father, “When are you coming home?” And he replied, “I’m not coming home. Ever.” My brother looked him in the eyes and in a meek 9-year-old voice asked, “But don’t you love me?” and our father flatly answered, “No.” Everything after that was a blur. I walked around in a haze for several weeks after that.

Finding Comfort in Faith

But God had placed someone in my life that would give me something He would use to get me out of this haze. I went to my aunt’s house as I normally did when seeking a place of comfort. She was playing a blue Kirk Franklin CD. I told her I loved it, so she gave it to me. Every night for the next 1-2 years, I would fall asleep to Kirk Franklin’s choir singing:

“You don’t have to worry

And don’t you be afraid

Joy comes in the morning
Troubles they don’t last always
For there’s a friend in Jesus
Who will wipe your tears away

And if your heart is broken

Just lift your hands and say

I know that I can make it

I know that I can stand.

No matter what may come my way,

My life is in Your hands.

With Jesus, I can make it”

 

Facing the Reality

It took a couple of years for it to sink in that my dad actually left and might never come back. The next several years would be very challenging and painful. But my relationship with God and faith in Jesus saved me from paralyzing despair.

Struggling with Anger

After getting through several years of grieving my father’s absence, my hope and prayers turned into anger. I literally said out loud to my mother that I didn’t care whether he was dead or alive because he was already dead to me. Although angry at my earthly father, I still attended church, actively participating, dancing, and singing in the choir. I clung to the one person who I felt understood me and felt my pain: my grand-aunt, who was also the pastor. But then cancer took her away from me, from all of us.

Turning Away from the Church

My anger grew stronger. I was angry at God for not only allowing her to die but for allowing the church she served to treat her so horribly in her last days here on earth. I turned my back on the church. I abandoned the church in my early twenties out of anger at the way the church handled things as an organization, but God never left me. Although I placed myself in many precarious and dangerous situations as I navigated the world in anger and rebellion, now that I look back, I realize it was God’s grace and mercy that protected me.

Lessons Learned

There have been many ups and downs. Life is a journey. There will be happy times and there will be hard times. I have learned that if you’re going through a good time, give God the praise, and if you are encountering a hard time, give God the praise. God is God on the mountain top and God is still God in the valley. God put us here to have a human experience and bring His light to earth. We are all spiritual beings having a human experience. And one day, we will all meet our Sovereign God. We were created by God to build His Kingdom. When my father failed me, when people tried to hurt me, when doctors failed me, it was looking to God, the El Shaddai, Elohim, that brought me through it all triumphantly.

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Author: Dorcina Nash